


So the Antichrist Hijacked Your Spaceship

by Confirmed_bachelorette



Category: Good Omens (TV), Various Popular Science Fiction Franchises
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Established Relationship (A/C), Fluff, Gen, OC Perspective, Post-Canon, Retired gay couple and adopted daughter annoy the universe, Science Fiction, attempted humor, found family trope
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22540339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confirmed_bachelorette/pseuds/Confirmed_bachelorette
Summary: In the year 6000 C.E., Hell has decided to give ending the world a second try. The new Antichrist, a 19yo girl, heard a legend about an angel and a demon that can’t be killed and assumes they are all-powerful demigods and seeks them out for help. Meanwhile Aziraphale and Crowley are en route to Alpha Centauri when the Antichrist hijacks their ship and insists they take her along. They’re too terrified of her reality-warping powers to refuse. Said powers later result in them running into planets and people from various popular sci-fi franchises.Basically writing this to live out my wildest fantasy: going outside and meeting people.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 11





	1. Get in Loser, We're Going to Alpha Centauri!

**Author's Note:**

> In Chapter One, Crowley and Aziraphale embark on their interstellar journey and quickly discover they have the worst stowaway possible.

Prologue 

The last 4 thousand years had been wonderful. Crowley had moved in with Aziraphale and they miraculously never had to move from the unassuming bookshop on the corner even through the fall of capitalism, the rise and fall of anarcho-disco-communism, a series of nuclear wars, and the revival of the English monarchy. Of course, that didn’t mean they never left London. Every few centuries, their unaging faces became a little too familiar to the local population, and they would spend several decades traveling the world until they faded from memory and could return in safe obscurity. Once they spent a whole century in what was left of America, after its fifth revolution. A lot had changed, but you still couldn’t drive on a highway without seeing a giant billboard asking, "IF YOU DIED TONIGHT, ARE YOU GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL?“ which they always found rather disconcerting. 

It wasn't until during The Third Global War (Not to be confused with the Third World War) that they received warning of the Earth's impending doom, in the form of a brief letter from the Archangel Michael: _"A- Hell’s planning on another Armageddon before century’s end. -M (P.S. Tell C thanks for the palm tree. It really brightens the office.)"_  
  
  


⁂

London, The United Kingdom of London, Decembruary 48th, 6097 C.E.  
  


It may have been the end of times, but so far Aziraphale had yet to break his evening routine. He sat in his favorite chair, a book in one hand and hot cocoa in the other. The voice of his favorite singer of the last century, Fiolla Ifoguvh, played softly from an antique speaker. Crowley was somewhere upstairs, probably running through his packing list for the eighth time that day.

A knocking at the door echoed through the shop somewhat ominously. 

Aziraphale straightened up quickly in his seat and shut his book. He stared at the door. _Perhaps if I don’t answer they’ll just go away,_ he hoped. 

Three more knocks, more insistent this time. Aziraphale stood up. A feeling of dread came over him, and got stronger the closer he walked towards the door. He put his hand on the doorknob and quickly drew it back as if he‘d been burned. Something Unholy was out there, and not anyone he knew; its energy was far too powerful. He could not bring himself to open the door - something terrible was on the other side, an unimaginable horror-

“Could you get that, Angel?“ Crowley had appeared at the top of the stairs, his familiar voice pulling Aziraphale out of his terrified state. Oh, he was being silly. 

“Of course, dear!” He took a deep breath and gripped the doorknob.

“Hang on,” Crowley’s tone was suddenly tense. “Something’s wrong. Angel, don’t-!”

It was too late, Aziraphale had already swung the door open like a fool. He barely caught a glimpse of the teenage girl smiling innocently from the doorstep before he slammed it shut again. He turned around and stared at Crowley, who had hurried down the stairs to Aziraphale.

“It’s her.”

“That’s the-?”

“What should we do?”

“We could try and talk her out of it?”

Aziraphale glanced at the girl through the window. She looked ticked off, now. “What if she’s here to kill us?”

“Why would she want to do that?”

“You heard Beelzebub! They’ve got this one properly indoctrinated! They’ve probably sent her here first to keep us from interfering!”

Crowley looked conflicted. “You really think so? What if she’s just - I don’t know - here for a book?”

The girl reopened the door and stepped inside. “Sorry, I know you’re closed, but-”

“Why are you here?” Aziraphale asked hastily.

“I’m here for you two, obviously. I was told I’d find an angel and a demon here,” she smiled.

“Young lady, you must have the wrong shop, we’re just-”

“No, don’t bother lying, I can tell you aren’t human. So-“ The girl blinked, and suddenly she was alone in the bookshop. She looked around, confused, at the deserted shelves. 

She heard the deafening roar of an enormous engine coming from beyond the shop. She ran to the back door and stepped out into the alley, which was logically far too small to accommodate a rocket launch pad, and yet…

  
  
  


“Go, go, go!” Aziraphale shouted as Crowley frantically pressed a series of buttons and the rocket began to lift off the ground. 

“You’re sure you’re ready?” Crowley gripped the steering wheel and looked at Aziraphale.

“Are you kidding? The Antichrist just showed up on our doorstep! _Let’s get out of here!”_

“Alright!” Crowley slammed the gas pedal to the floor, and they shot off into the sky.

A quarter of an hour later their ship was free of Earth’s gravity and the engine quieted down. Crowley relaxed his grip on the steering wheel and leaned back in his seat. He glanced at Aziraphale, who was rummaging through the contents of a briefcase. “Everything alright, Angel?”

Aziraphale looked up. “I think I forgot my reading glasses.”

“You’ve been wearing them since we left.”

“Oh! Thank you, dear.” Aziraphale began to replace the contents of the briefcase that he had scattered around the cockpit.

"Woah! Where on Earth did you get that?“ Crowley asked as Aziraphale picked up a sword.

"Oh, I cashed in some favors with Michael.“

"Favors?“

"Yes, a lot of Angels don’t like coming down to Earth, so I sometimes do their assignments.“

"Oh… So you’ll just perform blessings for anyone who asks these days, I suppose?”

“In exchange for heavenly resources. What?”

Crowley shrugged. “Oh. That just used to be _our_ thing.”

“Crowley, it is strictly professional.”

_“We_ were professional!“

“Very funny,” Aziraphale smirked.

“So, do you fancy any detours? The Moon? Oh, how about the abandoned Mars colonies?

“Oh no, that would just be depressing. Aren’t they still… you know… “

“You mean aren’t the bodies still lying around, unable to decay without an atmosphere? Yes. But the pictures of that giant statue of Elon Musk looked pretty cool, right?” Crowley grinned mischievously. He was _very_ proud of his hand in the Billionaire Space Race.

“I think we should stick to the plan.”

“Right. Straight shot to Alpha Centauri. No stops, no detours.”

Crowley switched the shuttle to autopilot and turned on the radio. After a few seconds he turned the radio off again and groaned. “UGH. Every chip I put in this thing turns into Zoltorb’s Greatest Hits.”

“What a surprise,” said Aziraphale, “Good thing I brought these!” He had reopened his briefcase and pulled out a vintage smartphone and bluetooth speaker.

“Oh, you are smart. I suppose I’ll be listening to Fiolla Ifoguvh for the next century?”

“She did revolutionize the surrealist disco genre, but no. I saved some of those playlists you made me in the 34th century?” Aziraphale smiled.

“Oof, not the 34th.”

“No, most of the songs are older than that. I like them. Here, listen.” He placed the speaker on the dashboard and stood up from his seat. He offered his hand to Crowley. 

Crowley took his hand and followed him, recognizing the first song immediately. He groaned in mock annoyance.

“Remember your Queen phase?” Aziraphale grinned.

“The _Bentley’s_ Queen phase!” Crowley smiled. “I miss that car,” he sighed. 

“Those were fun times.”

“Spent a decade thinking we were about to die, though.”

“That was less fun.”

Crowley frowned, remembering vividly the less fun moments of that century, most of which were on one particularly bad day.

“I wonder what would have happened if we _had_ done this before,” said Aziraphale.

“Well, you never would have heard Fiolla Ifoguvh.”

“I mean, young Adam _did_ have that handled on his own right? He didn’t need us after all.”

“On the contrary, he saved our asses.”

“I wonder how he is these days…” 

“Well, he’s dead now, isn’t he?”

“He’s the Son of Satan. I’m sure he could live as long as he wants.”

“But he was also a human. Don’t they like dying in a century? They must, right?”

“I suppose so?”

“Can’t say I understand the appeal.”

Aziraphale shook his head. “Me neither.”

“Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen came on then and they stopped talking and just danced for a while. 

  
  
  


Eventually they got tired of dancing and left the control room. While walking down the hallway, they heard a shuffling sound coming from behind one of the doors. Aziraphale bravely walked up to the door he thought the sound had come from and opened it to reveal a closet stuffed to the brim with books. They both breathed a sigh of relief.

“Probably just the gravity generator-”

They both nearly jumped out of their skins as a pile of books flew off the top shelf, pushed from behind by a human hand, which then gripped the edge of the shelf, knocking off the rest of the books as a girl climbed her way out of the depths of the closet and fell, headfirst, onto the floor. 

“Ouch. I am not good at teleportation.” Lying on a pile of scattered pages, the girl tilted her head to look at Aziraphale and Crowley.

Everyone _shrieked ._

The Antichrist scrambled to her feet and ran towards the emergency exit.

At a loss for any other course of action to take, they both ran after her. 

She opened the door and was promptly sucked out into the vacuum of space. With a snap of his fingers, Aziraphale shut the door behind her. Crowley looked at Aziraphale, shocked. “What on Earth was that about?”

“Was she there the whole time?” Aziraphale exclaimed.

“Well. She’s gone now, I guess,” Crowley shrugged.

“She can teleport home, right?”

“If she knows what’s good for her.”

They both jumped again as they heard a loud banging on the door.

They ran and looked out the door’s window. There she was, surprisingly alive, clutching the handle with one hand and banging on the glass with the other. She looked terribly frightened. “Let me in!”

“Please go home,” said Aziraphale.

“I wanna run away too! Come on!”

“Young lady, I insist that you leave immediately, or...”

“Tell her we’ll call her father!” said Crowley.

“Wait.” She stopped banging on the door. “Which one?”

“Satan, obviously.”

“Oh. That’s fine, then.”

“Erm.” Aziraphale exchanged a look with Crowley, then looked back to the Antichrist, whose expression was downcast. “Are you alright?”

_“ Yeah_ _,”_ she sounded despondent. She looked at Aziraphale then, and there were tears in her eyes. “Is Satan nice?” she asked.

“Er. Not really, no,” said Crowley.

She wiped at her eyes with one hand.

“Is your other dad nice?”

“Oh… he used to be. But none of my folks will talk to me now that they’ve found out I’m the Antichrist.”

Crowley looked at Aziraphale pleadingly. Aziraphale shook his head. Crowley frowned. Aziraphale rolled his eyes and stood back from the door.

“Fine, you can come in, I guess,” said Crowley, opening the door and pulling her inside. 

“Thank you!” The door clanged shut. She released her iron grip on his arm, and Crowley may have needed a small miracle to straighten out his bones again.

“Just don’t touch anything,” Aziraphale said, already heading to the kitchenette to make tea.

Crowley looked at the girl. Her hair and clothes were awfully disheveled but she otherwise seemed fine. Antichrist powers were no joke. 

“Have a seat,” Crowley gestured to the living room. She sat down on the nearest armchair. Crowley laid back on the couch, trying to look as calm and demonic and not-remotely-terrified of the teenage girl as possible. “So. Care to explain why you went to the trouble of stowing away on our ship?”

The Spawn of Satan sat up straight. “Well, it’s kind of a long story-”

“This ship isn’t stopping until we get to the next star system. We have time.”

“Okay, so, have you heard that the world is supposed to end? Well, apparently I’m supposed to be the one to end it. Basically I’ve had Heaven and Hell and these weird Horsepeople coming at me all week with their whole “fulfill your destiny” stuff and it’s, it’s been _really_ stressful, and I’d heard that the last time this all happened, _you two_ had something to do with stopping it? Plus, I also heard that you two can’t be killed, which I’m pretty sure makes y’all the only beings on Earth who can stand up to the forces of Heaven and Hell. So, I thought I’d find you guys and ask for asylum, basically.”

Crowley was silent for a moment as he absorbed that information. Eventually he smiled.

“So _you_ came to _us_ to avoid the Apocalypse.” 

The Adversary shrugged. 

Aziraphale walked into the room carrying three mugs of tea and handed one to the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Princess of This World, Mother of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lady of Darkness, and the other mug of tea to Crowley. He sat down next to Crowley and glared at her suspiciously.

“So,” he said. “Are you going to do it?”

Her eyes went wide. “What, end the world? Well, that’s a loaded question.” She laughed awkwardly. “I mean. Some people say the world is ending all on its own, you know, like I mean the earthquakes and the floods, there’s no proof that that’s _my_ fault. And really, morally speaking, if God wants the world to end, surely there’s a good reason for that? I mean, who am I to say no to _God_? Or Satan for that matter? I mean, I’m only nineteen, what do I know? A million angels and demons at a consensus, you gotta admit that’s pretty impressive. Plus they say the Sun is going to explode and vaporize the Earth eventually anyway, and there’s always the possibility of a meteor, or- or- an alien invasion, so, like, it’s not like the Earth was gonna last forever anyway, right?”

Crowley and Aziraphale stared at her in horror. 

“But!” She raised her hands. “I’m open to both sides! The idea of billions of deaths _does_ rub me the wrong way, I will admit.”

“Quite,” Aziraphale nodded hesitantly. 

Crowley decided against bringing up dolphins. “So, got any friends? What do they think about the whole apocalypse thing?”

She frowned. “Um. No.”

Crowley smiled at Aziraphale. “See? Her friends say no to ending the world. That’s a good sign!”

“No, I mean I have no friends...at the moment.”

“We’re _doomed._ Well, Earth is doomed. _We’ve_ got a spaceship.”

“How can the Antichrist not have friends? You’re supposed to be supernaturally charismatic, people should be drawn to you like a magnet!”

The Destroyer of Kings started to tear up. She spoke with a shaky voice. “Look, it’s not - I wasn’t - high school was a bad time for me, okay?”

Aziraphale groaned in frustration and put his head in his hands. “This is ridiculous.”

At that, the Lady of Darkness began to cry. “I _know_ , I’m so pathetic, I’m sorry-”

“Woah, woah, you’re alright,” Crowley got up from the couch and kneeled in front of her. He pulled a tissue out of thin air and handed it to her. “Look, you’re obviously here because you don’t _really_ want to end the world, isn’t that right?

“It’s just - I mean, there are a lot of bad things in the world, you know, but there’s also so many good things, so many good people…even if I’m not part of that. _I_ don’t want to be the one to end it all. Imagine the _guilt!_ Beelzebub and Gabriel _did_ have a point, though, I don’t want to keep living like this, but…I mean, the world doesn’t have to end for that. I can just leave. The world will go on without me… in fact, they’d all be better off.”

“Okay, _usually_ when humans say that it’s very concerning but I think it’s actually true in your specific case,” Crowley said. She began sobbing. “Hey, it’s okay though, er - do you mind waiting here for just a moment?”

He looked at Aziraphale, who was staring at the girl in utter confusion. “Come talk with me a moment?” Aziraphale followed Crowley to the kitchen and closed the door behind them. 

“I don’t understand, Crowley. She’s not a thing like young Adam. Are you sure they haven’t gotten it mixed up with another child again?”

“I’m not exactly on Hell’s email list anymore, Angel. I don’t have a clue what their plan was this time. They could have changed a lot of things. Besides, can’t you feel her power?” 

Aziraphale glanced anxiously at the door. “Of course I can. Adam was just so…”

“Unsettlingly perfect?” 

“Confident, actually. He knew he could bend the world to his will and he wasn’t afraid to do it. This girl is a _mess_.”

“Hm. Must have been the upbringing.”

“How are we going to get rid of her?”

“Wh- get rid of her? Aren’t we taking her along?” Crowley was taken aback.

“We are most certainly _not_ ! I thought we were trying to _avoid_ dying, Crowley.”

“But if she’s not _on_ Earth, that means she won’t destroy it!”

“You have a point...” 

“Look, Angel, you heard her. She doesn’t _want_ to hurt anyone, and that’s the important thing. She’s just a kid who doesn’t know what to do with herself. She’s asking us for help; we can’t just turn her away.”

Aziraphale’s expression softened. “You’re too optimistic for your own good, Crowley.” He sighed. “If she kills you, I _am_ going to avenge you.”

“No! If that kid kills me, that’s on me. She caught ME slippin.”

“Very well.” They left the kitchen.

“Alright, young lady, you are welcome to stay with us on the condition that you do not murder my husband.”

The Adversary blinked. “Okay?” She stood up, hesitantly. “You’re sure it’s alright?”

“Yes,” said Crowley. “Although, for the record, you’re not allowed to kill my husband either.”

⁂

The Princess of Darkness sat awkwardly in an armchair opposite the coffee table from the couch where the two men sat, staring at her in silence. They each held a mug of tea, but no one was drinking. She began to sweat under the scrutiny. At first appearances, she was sitting opposite two average-looking men of no particular consequence. They didn’t appear to have much in common except for the matching sweaters they were wearing. But she wasn’t born yesterday, she had learned by now that looks meant exactly nothing where supernatural beings were concerned. These two beings, she reminded herself, had survived Heaven and Hell’s respective attempts to have them executed. They couldn’t be killed by Holy Water _or_ Hellfire, which made them more powerful than any other angel, fallen or otherwise. Was that even what they were anymore? Had they somehow become all-powerful demigods? She wondered where their power came from. One thing was for certain: she may be the Antichrist, but if anyone could overpower her, it was these two. She had to play her cards right, or they would surely throw her right back out the door. 

Argh, they were still staring at her. She wiped some sweat from her forehead. Now the younger one (or at least, he looked younger) leaned close to his partner and whispered something in his ear. The other one frowned and nodded. Jesus, this was like high school all over again. Well, the only way to stop them talking _about_ her was to talk _to_ them, which was probably the polite thing to do anyway, given that she was now a guest in their space. 

She cleared her throat. “My name is Ophelia, by the way.” 

“I know. OH. I’m Anthony J Crowley.”

“My name is Aziraphale.”

She looked at him. “Azerf..." 

“Aziraphale.”

“Um… Do you have a nickname?”

“No. Aziraphale.”

“...Ezrafail-”

“Aziraphale.”

She looked at him guiltily. “Azir-a..phale?”

The Angel smiled warmly. Ophelia felt like she had really accomplished something here.

"So, uh, Tony-" she said to Crowley, "You‘re from Hell, like me, right?“

"No, I just used to work there.“ Crowley chose not to object to the nickname. The poor kid had been through enough.

“But you’ve met my biological father?”

“Course, he was my boss.”

“Did you like working for him?”

“Not really.”

"Oh…“ She folded her hands awkwardly on the table. 

"I raised your brother though!“ Crowley exclaimed. "Oh wait… no, that was just a random kid…um. Well, young Adam did seem pretty nice that one time I met him. He was very mature about the whole situation. Didn’t even get mad at Aziraphale trying to shoot him!“

Aziraphale looked uncomfortable. “Can - can we not talk about-”

“Oh my God! No wonder you quit your job, if they were making you kill someone!“

“Yes, er. Of course. Um. I must say I’m very proud of you for carrying on the family tradition, of, er, not destroying the world.“

“Gosh, my folks- I mean the _Earth_ ones- are so mad at me…I…I wish I hadn’t screamed so much during our last argument. I guess I‘ll never see them again.“ 

“Oh no, please don’t cry!“

Crowley conjured a box of tissues and handed them to her. “Sorry, kid.”

“Everyone was so _mad_ at me, I - I -” she broke into sobs. Crowley patted her shoulder.

Aziraphale drummed his fingers on the table irritatedly. This was not how he’d expected this trip to go. Why he wasn’t spending the next 99 years making love with his husband to 34th Century surrealist disco instead of awkwardly consoling Satan‘s youngest child was beyond him. He was beginning to feel grateful he hadn’t had to deal with Adam‘s teenage years.

Aziraphale’s gaze drifted to the window. Then he had an idea. He turned back to the mess of a woman who was currently crying all over his husband’s favorite jacket. “You know what I think would be nice? What if we stopped on one of these passing planets, enjoyed the scenery? Could be fun!”

She wiped her face and looked out the window. “Oh my God, I’m in space. That’s so _cool_. Do you think there are aliens out there?” She pressed her hands and forehead to the glass, fascinated. Aziraphale could have sworn the stars burned eerily brighter for a few seconds. He glanced at Crowley, who shrugged. 

“Entire worlds full of completely different beings. People who’ve never heard of God or Satan or anything else. They wouldn’t think I was a freak because I’m the Antichrist. They’d think I was a freak because I’m _human!_ ”

She stood back from the window and turned around to face them, beaming. “Let’s go explore!”

⁂

“So if you look at this star map, Alpha Centauri is actually the closest planetary system to the Solar System,” Crowley explained.

“But what’s there?”

“Well, there’s three stars, and a handful of planets, one of which is in the habitable zone. If you aren’t going to live on Earth anymore, this is the next best thing.”

Ophelia leaned over the map and frowned, staring at the tiny dot circled in blue ink. “And it’s going to take us how long to get there?”

“Oh, not long at all,” Aziraphale chimed in, “about a century.”

“A century? Are you _insane_? I’ll go crazy with boredom!”

“Well, I brought some books-”

“Ew. Who even reads anymore?”

“Look, I know it’s a long trip, but unfortunately humans never did crack faster-than-light travel. This is the best option. Unless you’d prefer to go home-?” Aziraphale sounded hopeful.

“No! I am never going home! Ugh, it’s fine…” She sat down and spun her seat around, kicking the floor.

Aziraphale leaned towards Crowley and whispered to him. “What was she expecting?”

“Probably something out of one of the 20th century science fiction films.”

“Oh, those were fun.”

“Yeah.” Crowley looked down at his notepad, covered in calculations. He hadn’t really kept up with mathematics after they invented calculus, so he wouldn’t have bet much on his accuracy. “Real space travel is a lot quieter.”

“That suits me just fine.”

“Woah! Look at that!” The girl called from across the room. She was standing next to the window, pointing urgently.

“What is i- oh, Christ.” Crowley watched as an alien spacecraft flew past the window. He looked at the girl accusingly. “What did you do?”

She looked up at him innocently. “I was just looking out the window!”

Crowley looked over at Aziraphale, who was still sitting at the table drinking his tea. “I’m not looking,” he said when he noticed Crowley staring. “Everything is normal.”

“We should follow it!” Ophelia exclaimed.

“Absolutely not. It’s not even going our way.”

But Ophelia was rushing out of the kitchen.

“Hey, where are you-?” He looked out into the hallway to see her stepping into the control room. “She’s trying to take the wheel!”

“Oh, for Heaven’s sake,” Aziraphale finished his tea and followed Crowley into the cockpit.

“Don’t worry, I have a driver’s license!” Ophelia shouted from the pilot’s seat.

“Oh, that’s alright then,” Aziraphale started to leave, but Crowley gestured for him to stop.

“No, no, this is my ship! You want to drive, get your own!” 

“I will as soon as I can, I promise!”

Crowley strode across the room and attempted to pull her out of the driver’s seat. The next second he was standing in the hallway. “No, no, no-” He found to no surprise that the door to the control room was locked and kicked it in frustration. It occurred to him for the first time that inviting the Antichrist along may have been a fatal mistake. Right. Well. Don’t panic. Spaceships used to get hijacked all the time. There was an emergency control panel somewhere for this sort of thing. He wished he had looked at the owner’s manual for this stupid machine.

He looked through the circular window of the metallic door. Ophelia was totally fixated on steering the ship. Aziraphale was seated in the passenger's seat frantically flipping through some star charts. Well, he probably wasn’t in any immediate danger, at least. 

Crowley stormed through the hallway and back to the kitchen. Somewhere in this ship was an owner’s manual. Probably. Aziraphale claimed to have culled his book collection down to 5000 when they packed, but Crowley had no doubt that was an outright lie. So he could try his luck at finding a manual that his husband had, in all likelihood, replaced with a misprinted Bible. By the end of that search he might as well just look for the emergency control blindly instead. Better get started, then.

After searching through the main rooms of the spacecraft, (kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedroom, exercise room Aziraphale had converted into an office) Crowley opened a hatch in the back and left the living area of the ship. He jumped down the first ladder and strode towards the second hatch that opened to the storage compartment. He ignored the signs warning him to wear a spacesuit - while this side of the ship had less backups in the life support system, it was an unnecessary precaution unless the ship were damaged, and he didn’t need air, anyway. 

⁂

Crowley descended the ladder and tried to jump down, but ended up launching himself across the room. Ah, right, no artificial gravity here, he thought as he drifted into a pile of books, sending them slowly spiraling in all directions. Eventually he floated to a wall and was able to grab one of the railings and look around. The storage room was similar in size and appearance to an industrial garage, or at least that was how Crowley remembered it looking before Aziraphale had turned it into an impromptu library. Clearly Aziraphale hadn’t taken the lack of gravity into account, as most of the books had been left on their original bookshelves, and were currently flying untethered around the room. Luckily, the railings made it possible to navigate the room without gravity, as long as one stuck close to the walls, floor, and ceiling, although Crowley was already having trouble remembering which way was which. He slowly made a round of the entire room, knocking floating books out of his way and dodging the occasional bookshelf. 

Eventually he found a panel labeled “EMERGENCY CONTROLS” in bright red letters. “Aha!” he exclaimed. He turned the red handle and opened it. There were smaller versions of the basic controls found in the main cockpit, as well as a digital touchscreen that displayed the view from the windshield. Apparently they were still pursuing the mysterious spaceship. A message moved across the screen. “TAP HERE TO ENGAGE EMERGENCY CONTROLS.” Crowley tapped the screen. “INPUT ADMINISTRATIVE PASSWORD.” Crowley looked at the yellowed sticky note stuck to the inside of the panel, where the password was written in a messy hand, and typed it in. “PASSWORD ACCEPTED. ARE YOU SURE YOU WISH TO DIVERT CONTROLS? YES/NO.” He tapped “YES.” 

“Come on…” Crowley muttered impatiently as a loading icon appeared on the screen and it made a series of beeps.

“YOU NEED AN ‘AMAZON PRIME ⓒ’ ACCOUNT TO UNLOCK THIS FEATURE.”

“Fuck off.”

⁂

  
  


Two hours later, Crowley burst into the control room, swinging the flaming sword. “STEP AWAY FROM THE WHEEL!” He yelled.

“Oh Crowley, there you are,” Aziraphale was seated in the passenger’s seat, feet up on the dash and a book open in his lap. “Do put that light out, won’t you?”

The flaming sword went out as Crowley walked up to stand behind Aziraphale. The Spawn of Satan was asleep at the wheel.

“How did you knock her out?” 

“Hm?” Aziraphale glanced at the Princess of this World. “Oh, I was just reading a story for her while she drove. It seems she dozed off at some point.” 

Crowley looked out the windshield. The spaceship he’d seen earlier was navigating deftly through an asteroid cloud. Their own ship was following its path perfectly.

Crowley decided the situation was under control after all. He took a seat behind Aziraphale, who took his feet off the dash and turned his chair around to face him. 

“I don’t suppose she mentioned where we’re headed?” Crowley was resigned to his fate, now.

Aziraphale shook his head. “She just talked a bit about her favorite Star Wars films for a while, and when she got bored of that I started reading this for her,” he showed Crowley the cover of the book, _A Wrinkle in Time_ _._

Crowley looked at the navigation system. He didn’t even recognize the star system they were in. “I’m sorry, Angel. I was the one who insisted on letting her on-”

“Oh, I don’t mind anymore. You know, she hates the prequels too, so I think her taste in fiction is salvageable. If I made a book rec list for her, do you think she’d read them?”

“Wow. You warmed up to her fast.”

“They’re really not so bad, Antichrists, once they’ve been talked out of destroying the Earth.”

They looked at the girl. She was resting her head in her arms which were draped over the steering wheel. Her eyes were shut, but her lips were moving. Crowley realized he was looking at a fellow sleep-talker. Aziraphale always made fun of him for it… how embarrassing.

“...and let the forests burn and the cities crumble and th...” Suddenly her eyes shot open and her head jerked upright with a loud gasp. She blinked at the windshield for several seconds before turning her gaze to Aziraphale, then Crowley, who stared at her apprehensively.

“Oh. Hey Tony.”

“Hello…Ophelia.”

“Sorry for kicking you out earlier,” she stretched her arms above her head and yawned. “Once I get my own ship, I’ll leave you alone, I swear.”

“Thanks,” he glanced at the windshield again. “Where are you taking us?”

“Well, I figure if we follow this spaceship, it’ll lead us to a planet with alien life!” she beamed. “I was telling Aziraphale about how in _A New Hope_ …”

Crowley was trying to remember why he hadn’t convinced Aziraphale to leave 20 years early. He remembered clearly the day Aziraphale showed him the letter Micheal had sent warning of the plans for a second shot at Armageddon. It was Aziraphale who insisted they actually follow through on his old escape plan. Too late, Crowley realized they should have left right then. They had both wanted to put off leaving Earth as long as possible, what a foolish-

“...but my favorite aliens were those little island birds from _The Last Jedi_. God, Luke’s death was so bullshit. What about you?”

Crowley blinked at her. “Huh?”

“His favorite character was Jar Jar Binks.”

“Angel, no.”

“Oh you _can_ hear,” Aziraphale smirked. 

“What kind of aliens would you like to meet, Tony?”

“I’d rather not, to be honest.” Bless it, just hours ago, they were headed towards a quiet, uninhabited, _safe_ star system. Now what unimaginable horrors were they headed towards? Would he be able to protect Aziraphale from God-knows- _what_ ever lived God-knows- _where_ ver they were? Had his plan to protect them from the Apocalypse only put them in more danger than ever before?

"It‘s Finn, by the way.“

"Huh?“

"My favorite Star Wars character.“

"Oh...ok. Good Choice!“‘


	2. Last Exit Before the Interstellar Highway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ophelia, the second Antichrist, having wrested control of Crowley and Aziraphale’s spaceship, insists on following a mysterious ship to a small planetoid on the outskirts of the Solar System.

** Outer Solar System, Milky Way Galaxy, Decembruary 49th, 6097 C.E **

The Antichrist would not change her mind on chasing the mysterious spaceship, despite Crowley’s attempts to convince her the ship was probably manned by a crew of horrifying monsters that would love to taste human flesh. 

Frankly, Aziraphale doubted any creatures in the universe could be stranger than human beings, so he wasn’t particularly concerned. While they all sat in the cockpit of their own ship, Azirapahle read for them the rest of  _ A Wrinkle in Time _ and was nearing the end of  _ The Martian Chronicles _ when he was interrupted by an excited squealing from the girl in the pilot’s seat. “Look!” she shouted, “I think they’ve made it home!” She jumped to her feet and pointed at the windshield. 

The circular ship they’d been following had led them close to a planet. They followed it into a steadily declining orbit. The planet below was surrounded by a thick atmosphere of grey clouds. As they descended past the layer of clouds, they were able to see the planet’s surface was covered in grey oceans. The mystery ship flew over the water until it reached a large grey island, the only land they could see on the planet. As their altitude dropped, they saw what appeared to be crops, grown in trigonal-shaped plots. Eventually they flew over a town of buildings. Past the edge of this town was a long runway, which the mystery ship finally landed on, rolling to the lot at the end, where a few other ships were parked in front of a large building. Ophelia giggled with excitement as she steered their ship down onto the ground.

“I hope they don’t mind us using their runway,” Aziraphale muttered.

“At least they didn’t shoot at us yet,” Crowley said.

“This is going to be awesome!” Ophelia applied the brakes and the ship came screeching to a shaky, but safe, stop. “Not bad for my first time flying!” She jumped out of her seat and rushed to the door. “Let’s go say hi!”

After she left the cockpit, Aziraphale and Crowley looked at each other. They looked at the empty pilot’s seat. They looked at the door.

“We  _ could _ just-” Aziraphale started.

“You guys coming?” she reappeared in the doorway.

“Of course! Just checking the parking brake!” Aziraphale said, as he and Crowley got up to follow her out of the ship.

No sooner had Ophelia stepped off the ship’s ramp then she was greeted by an apparently human woman in a neat blue uniform. 

“You can’t park here,” she declared.

“We come in peace!” Ophelia exclaimed, bowing dramatically. “Wh-”

“We’ve got another ship landing here in twenty minutes, you’re going to have to move out of the way. What’s your flight ID number?”

“Um…”

The woman sighed. “Don’t tell me you weren’t even scheduled…” She took out a tablet and began tapping rapidly.

“I’m sorry?”

“The fine for an unauthorized flight is 10,000 igerts-”

Ophelia gasped. “Oh no-”

“But I’ll let you off with a warning just this once, as long as you move your ship out of here in five minutes.” She showed her a map on her tablet screen. “You’re lucky that garage eight B is empty today. Call traffic control at least a day ahead next time, alright?”

“Yes Ma’am! Thank you!” Ophelia nodded and rushed back onto the ship.

⁂

“This ship is atrocious! Where in the galaxy did you get it from?” said the mechanic.

“Hey! This is a vintage model!” Crowley said.

“We’re from Earth,” Ophelia explained, stepping forward to shake the man’s hand enthusiastically. “I’m Ophelia! And you are?”

“Og’uf. Earth, huh?” The mechanic shook his head. “Not once have I seen a decent ship from that place. Well, it’s gonna take some doing, but we can have it up to regulation and fitted with a lightspeed hyperdrive for 30,000 igerts.”

“Deal!” said Ophelia.

“You paying in cash or credit?”

Ophelia took out her wallet and gave the mechanic a credit card. 

“Where you folks headed after this?” He took a scanner out of his pocket which beeped cheerfully as it read her card. The transaction went through, somehow. 

“Not sure!” Ophelia replaced her card in her wallet. “Is there anywhere here I could get my own ship? I promised those guys I only needed a ride off our home planet.”

The mechanic frowned. “Haumea is just a small port, you aren’t going to find any interstellar vessels for sale here. You might ask around, see if anyone could use another crew member. Most ships will be headed to other trading ports in the Orion Arm.”

“Oh, thanks! I’ll get right to it!”

“Is this your first time off your home planet?”

“Hah, is it that obvious?”

“Before you travel too far, I would decide whether you plan to ever return home. You never know when you might get sucked into a one-way wormhole or something.”

“Oh my God,” Ophelia blanched. “Does…does that happen a lot?”

“It happened to my old physics professor…ran away from home at seventeen, never found his way back. Good luck out there!”

“Thank you, sir…” She stiffly waved goodbye and went back to Crowley and Aziraphale, arms crossed over her chest, feeling anxious. “I’m gonna ask around, see if I can get a new ride…thanks again for taking me this far.”

“Hang on, Antichrist, we aren’t about to just ditch you here,” Crowley said. “How about you meet us back here again in a couple hours, and tell us what your plan is then, alright?”

“We really aren’t in any hurry,” Aziraphale assured her. “Take all the time you need.”

“Okay. Thanks again. See you later, then!” And with that, Ophelia headed towards the other end of the garage, where another ship was being worked on.

⁂

_Haumea Spaceport_ was reminiscent of an airport on Earth, down to a shopping mall and food court. Crowley and Aziraphale bought some snacks and found a table in the mostly empty food court to discuss recent developments. Eventually they came to a consensus.

“Okay, this is sounding more or less like a plan,” Crowley said, breaking off a piece of Aziraphale’s soft pretzel.

“Precisely. If the Antichrist isn’t near Earth, she can’t destroy it, so...”

“So if we let her pilot our ship, she’ll be able to explore the universe to her heart’s content...” 

“And the infinite nature of the universe ensures she will never run out of places to go; therefore, she never needs to return home.”

“And Earth is safe!” Crowley grinned. “Another apocalypse averted, all thanks to Crowley and Aziraphale!”

“Yes…” said Aziraphale. “There’s just one thing that concerns me.”

“What?”

“I feel as if we’re… letting a bull loose in a china shop, as it were.”

“I guess it is a little irresponsible to unleash Satan’s teenage daughter out into an unsuspecting universe. But what can you do?”

“I don’t think we should let her go on alone.”

“And what could  _ we _ do? An Antichrist has  _ exponentially _ more power than a mere angel or demon. We’re like  _ ants _ to her.”

Aziraphale drummed his fingers on the table thoughtfully. “Well. She isn’t necessarily aware of that.”

“Oh, I see. She does already think we’re invulnerable. Maybe she would listen to us enough to avoid causing too much trouble.”

“It is a little risky, since she technically could destroy both of us without breaking a sweat.”

“Pssht. I’m not worried. I don’t think that girl has a violent bone in her body. It’s just a matter of getting used to her own strength.”

At that moment, a voice came booming from a loudspeaker. “ATTENTION ALL PATRONS AND STAFF. SECURITY ALERT. SUSPECTED TERRORIST THREAT.”

Aziraphale and Crowley looked at each other anxiously.

“SUSPECTS ARRIVED IN EARTH SHUTTLE, NO LICENSE PLATE.”

“We better find that Antichrist and get going,” Crowley said as he and Aziraphale quickly rose from their chairs.

“She’ll probably be headed back to the ship,” Aziraphale suggested as they rushed to the hallway.

Retracing their steps, they quickly made it back to the garage they had left their ship in. Their ship was now surrounded by security tape and a handful of guards. Scanning the interior of the garage, Aziraphale spotted Ophelia standing a few meters apart from several guards, holding an arm in front of her and her fingers pointed like a gun. The guards were pointing actual guns back at her, but looked genuinely wary. Aziraphale pointed this out to Crowley and they rushed over to the scene.

“Now, now, we don’t want to have any trouble here, miss,” said one of the guards, holding up his hands. “Why don’t you put your weapon down and come talk with us?”

“Why don’t you all leave me alone?” Ophelia responded. “I haven’t done anything!”

“One of our pilots reported that your ship chased her here all the way from Mars.”

“Ugh, I was just-” Ophelia noticed Crowley and Aziraphale then and turned towards them, her face relaxing from a scowl to a friendly grin. She waved with one hand, the other still pointed at the guard. “Oh, hey, there you guys are! Thoughts on leaving early?”

The guards turned around to them, only to find their guns had suddenly vanished from their hands, and their shoelaces had been tied together.

“Time to go!” Crowley shouted cheerfully as they all ran for the ship and up the ramp. Crowley vanished the metal planks that had been bolted over the door and held it open for the others. Just as the guards were able to kick their shoes off and run after them, the ramp was withdrawn miraculously fast. 

Within minutes Crowley had driven the ship out of the large open doors of the garage and the ship sped down the runway until they were off the ground, quickly pulling away from the planet’s gravity.

“That was  _ awesome _ , Tony!” Ophelia cheered from the back seat, high fiving Crowley as he shifted the controls to autopilot and spun around in the pilot seat.

“What, a handful of miracles? Nah, piece of cake,” Crowley said, leaning back.

“Yeah, but like, you didn’t cause any accidental explosions or anything. I wish I could do that.”

Crowley gave Aziraphale a meaningful look. Aziraphale turned to the Antichrist and cleared his throat. “So, Miss Ophelia,” he said, “have you decided what your plans are yet?

Ophelia looked guilty. “I’m sorry…I know I said I’d try to find my own ship, but no one back there was looking for new crew members. I promise the next planet we find, I’ll-”

Aziraphale held up a hand. “Actually, Crowley and I talked about it, and we think you might benefit from travelling with other supernatural beings. Given that you’re so young and unaccustomed to your powers…”

“It’s kind of a recipe for disaster,” said Crowley.

“You think I can’t take care of myself?” Ophelia glared at them, then looked away. “Well, you’re right! I’m completely terrified, yessir.” She drew her feet up onto her seat and crossed her arms in front of her knees. Her face took on the expression of a deer in headlights.

“Well, you needn’t worry. You’re welcome to stay with us as long as you’d like, my dear,” Aziraphale smiled.

“Within reason,” Crowley added. “How long are you planning to live for?”

“What?”

“ _ Dear _ .”

“Sorry. Rude question.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave the first chapter all on its own for so long! I’ve got about 3 more chapters written already, I’m just figuring out how it all fits together. You can expect updates to become more frequent as a result of global events :). I estimate that this fic will finish at 15k words. In the meantime, I hope you are all safe and taking care the best you can of yourselves and your families at this time. At least we can write fanfictions about going outside and meeting people :,)


	3. I Lied, We Aren't Actually Going to Alpha Centauri. Now Put Your Clothes Back On and Sing Star Wars Cantina Band Music 10 Hour Loop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Postponing their retirement to Alpha Centauri for the foreseeable future, Crowley and Aziraphale have generously offered to accompany Ophelia on her space travels, hoping to keep her from causing too much trouble while touring the universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now we get to the actual crossover part. Forgive me but I’ve always felt Star Wars was full of interesting settings and boring characters, so they’re going to visit Star Wars planets but not meet any of the main characters. Also, for the record, I am aware Britain does not use Euros...for now….

Don’t tell Crowley, but Aziraphale had no idea how many books he’d collected over the years. He’d never bothered to actually take inventory, and it was common for him to find a book in his collection without the faintest idea where or when or even why he’d picked it up in the first place. As such, it was unclear whether Ophelia had used a miracle to acquire  _ Star Wars: The Ultimate Fan Guide  _ or if she had legitimately found it among Aziraphale’s collection.

Wherever it came from, the book did contain some pretty convincing star maps, which Ophelia intended on using for actual navigation. 

Aziraphale was pretty familiar with 20th century film, although he hadn’t watched much of it at the time. It wasn’t until the 21st century that he started to appreciate film as a serious media. The human world more or less shut down in 2020 C.E. due to some kind of virus (Aziraphale admittedly never paid much attention to news...) and with all the businesses shut down and the humans holed up in their homes, Crowley suggested they pass the time watching some movies. By the time the pandemic was over and humans cautiously returned to public life, Aziraphale and Crowley had watched just about every tolerable movie and television series that had yet been made. Film and television gradually lost its place as humanity’s favorite form of media as new technology was developed, but existing works were easily preserved, and freely available to anyone who wanted to revisit the past.

Ophelia apparently had a special interest in the subject. “I think cinema is the coolest thing. I mean, history is generally pretty boring in my opinion, but movies are just so immersive, I can almost imagine what life was like back then. Did you ever get to go to a real Movie Theater?” 

“A few times, yes.”

“Lucky! I’ve seen so many movie files, but I’m sure it doesn’t compare to the authentic experience.”

“Oh, streaming is much more convenient, trust me. I don’t think I ever went to a theater after Crowley got Netflix.”

“Ugh, how could you give up the authenticity of a real theater? With advertisements, and ticket stubs, and a live orchestra? Man, I wish I could have been there!” She let go of the steering wheel and picked up the Star Wars book from the dashboard. “Sci Fi movies were always my favorite,” she said as she flipped through star maps printed in shiny color. “I can’t believe I get to explore space for real! Thanks again for letting me fly with you guys.”

“Oh, don’t mention it. Do you know where you want to go first?”

“Actually, I think I do. I mainly want to test out this hyperdrive,” she tapped at the touchscreen on the dashboard, pulling up the controls for the new engine. Apparently satisfied with the numbers she saw, she turned to Aziraphale again, indicating a small red dot on a star map in the book. “Tatooine is at the edge of the galaxy, so I think we should head there first. It’s also Luke Skywalker’s home planet!”

Aziraphale nodded.

“Luke Skywalker was the main character in the main trilogy - Darth Vader’s son?”

“Right...of course.”

Ophelia frowned, sensing a lack of passion for Star Wars lore from Aziraphale. “Where’s Tony? I should update him on the plan.”

“I think he’s still asleep. I wouldn’t bother waking him up, though. He can get grumpy.”

“Hmm. I guess he can sleep until we arrive. It shouldn’t take long at lightspeed, though,” she returned to the touchscreen, initiating the jump to hyperspace. 

“You know how that works already?”

“No, but the interface is very user-friendly.” 

The ship began to decelerate, until it felt like it came to a stop.

“Is that supposed to happen?” Aziraphale asked.

“Uh…probably...” Embarrassed, Ophelia began to tamper with the settings, trying to increase the ship’s speed again. Suddenly the ship jolted forward with so much force Ophelia was knocked out of her seat and flung into the back wall of the cockpit. Within an instant the ship was still again.

“Oh my goodness, you should really be wearing a seatbelt, dear,” Aziraphale commented, secure in his own seat. 

Ophelia picked herself off the floor and made her dizzy way back to the pilot’s seat. She shook her head once and blinked repeatedly until the dashboard came back into focus. She read the touchscreen’s display: ARRIVED AT DESTINATION.

“Wh-” she looked up through the windshield to see they were in high orbit around a rust-colored planet. “Holy cow, that was fast!”

“Oh, excellent!”

The door was flung open, and they both turned to see Crowley stumble in, dressed in black pajamas, hair a mess, eyes wide. “Whatwasthat? Are we being attacked?”

“Crowley, you’re out of bed!” 

“Oh, I’m out of bed, alright. Out of bed and across the bloody room.”

“Sorry, Tony! It was the jump to lightspeed. I’ll warn you next time!”

Crowley walked over to them and looked out the windshield. “Right. What’s all this, then.”

“Oh, that’s Tatooine! It’s where Luke Skywalker grew up…”

Crowley looked at her. “It’s…”

“Tatooine.”

“From the films...”

“From Star Wars, yes.”

“Huh. Cool.” Crowley yawned. “I’m gonna make some coffee, you want any?”

“Yes, thank you dear.” 

“No thanks, I only drink energy drinks,” Ophelia said, returning to the ship’s controls and starting the descent.

⁂

* _ Star Wars: A New Hope Cantina Band Music playing on repeat _ *

[ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McNhU-mhDC0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=McNhU-mhDC0)

“I can’t go in there! I’m not 21!”

“So?” Aziraphale asked.

“It’s illegal?” she said, as if he was stupid for asking.

Now of course, an angel would never encourage underage drinking. He could, however, look pointedly at his demon husband, who-

-had suddenly disappeared. Aziraphale turned around in time to see Crowley already stepping into the tavern.

“Crowley!-”

“I think that’s a bubble tea shop across the street!” Ophelia was tugging Aziraphale’s jacket sleeve excitedly. “Let’s go!”

After a quick mental risk assessment, Aziraphale realized he couldn’t well let the Antichrist child wander about an alien planet on her own, and followed her.

Crowley stepped into the bar and blinked as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. Much like the streets outside, the cantina was filled with a variety of beings, some of them looking suspiciously human. The air was thick with smoke, and cheerful music from a live band blended with the conversations of the patrons. 

“Reminds me a bit of that tavern we went to in 3040, don’t you think, Ange-” Crowley cut himself off as he turned around and realized Aziraphale and Ophelia had not followed him inside. He was about to go back out when someone tapped his shoulder. It was a tall green man with bulging black eyes.

“Han Solo?“ 

"Uh. Hansolo to you too?“

"I‘m looking for a human named Han Solo,“ said the being, holding up a wanted poster featuring a man who, in Crowley’s opinion, would be very hard to mistake him for.

"Dude, I’m not even _ human _ ,“ Crowley said, lifting his sunglasses onto his head and pointing at his demonic eyes.

The being didn’t seem to know what Crowley eyes had to do with it. "Okay..?“ it said, and then turned away from Crowley to approach a human woman a few yards away who looked even less like the wanted man.

“Okay...“ Crowley navigated through the crowd to the bar in the center of the room. He took out his wallet and waved at the bartender. “Hey, do you guys take Euros here?”

The man(?) leaned across the counter and inspected the coins in Crowley’s hand. “Those are from Nal Hutta, right?”

“Sure.”

The man shrugged. “Alright, what can I get you?”

Crowley picked up the drink and sat down near a window. As he took a sip he noticed a large potted plant on the windowsill. It resembled a shriveled and browning fern, in a very poor state despite its impressive size.

“Ugh, you look hideous.”

The plant turned around and blinked at Crowley. “Excuse me?”

Crowley jumped. In over 4 millenia of bullying vegetation, not once had they talked back. He wasn’t one to back down easily, however. He looked that sorry excuse for a fern right in its glowing red eyes.

“I said what I said.”

It wasn’t until the fern stepped out of the pot and stood up to its full height of seven feet that Crowley realized he might have made a fatal error.

⁂

“And that’s the story of how Crowley and I got arrested at a vape bar in 41st century Seattle!”

“Uh-huh.” Ophelia was walking through the busy street alongside Aziraphale, sipping a brightly colored drink.

“Do you suppose we should check in with Crowley, now?”

“I told you, I’m not going into a bar. Besides, I wanna check out that flea market over there.”

It was then Aziraphale heard a familiar voice screaming frantically. He turned around to see Crowley barreling towards him.

“ANGEL! ANGEL, HELP ME!”

“Oh dear, what’s wrong?”

Crowley clung to Aziraphale’s jacket, eyes wide with fear. “Angel, the plants here...they fight back!”

“Oh Crowley, you didn’t.”

Nearby there was a series of shouts as someone shoved their way through the crowd. When the botanical-looking creature saw Crowley, it growled and ran towards them. Crowley screamed and leaped into Aziraphale’s arms. 

“Now hold on a minute!”

At Aziraphale’s words, the creature stopped in front of him. It seemed like it wasn’t sure if it should be scared of him.

“Right,” Aziraphale continued, “let’s talk this out like civilized beings,  _ please _ . Sir, why are you chasing my husband through the street?”

The fern looked down at the ground. “He called me ugly,” it grumbled.

Aziraphale glared at the demon in his arms. “Really, my dear.”

“Oh, you’re just going to take the word of some scrappy looking bush over your own husband?”

Aziraphale continued to glare at him.

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Ugh, fine,” he groaned. “ _ Sorry _ .”

The fern looked reluctant to drop the matter until Aziraphale caught its eyes. It started to back away, then. “Um, we’ll just forget about it, I guess.”

Crowley watched the creature disappear back into the crowd and looked up at Aziraphale. “Thank you, Angel,” he smiled sweetly.

“Honestly, Crowley. You have no manners.” Aziraphale tried to fix Crowley with a disapproving glare, rendered mostly ineffective by the fact that he was still holding him in his arms.

"You can probably put me down now.“

"Oh! Yes, of course.“

"Thanks.“ Crowley stood up and straightened his jacket. He glanced at Ophelia. "Ooh, Antichrist, where’d you find bubble tea?“

Ophelia offered him the cup. "You can have the rest if you want. The balls are just rocks.“

  
  


Several hours later, the planet’s two suns were sinking low on its horizon as they left the market carrying their spoils. Ophelia wore a pair of glasses a salesman had assured her would give her the ability to see midi-chlorians. They did not work. Crowley had purchased a device similar to a cassette player and some music tapes. Aziraphale had found a book printed in an alien language he couldn’t decipher.

“That was fun. Time to leave for the next planet!” Ophelia declared.

“So soon?”

“It’s a big universe,” she explained. “We can’t spend too much time on every planet if we’re going to see every one.”

Aziraphale chose not to point out the logical flaw in her plan to see the whole of an infinite universe. She’d figure it out on her own sooner or later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you happen to be a Star Wars expert and notice something in my fic that contradicts canon, do not tell me because I do not care. When I was looking up the spelling of Midi-chlorians, I read that they are actually organelles inside Jedi’s blood cells. I don’t know what I thought they were before. The important thing is that I did not edit the line about them to make sense. Let’s just imagine that all inaccuracies are the fault of Ophelia’s reality-warping powers subconsciously influencing reality to meet her expectations?
> 
> I've been considering whether I should split chapters by planet or by scifi franchise. Going with the former for now, which means there will be at least 3 more chapters. Thanks for reading!


	4. This One is Also About Star Wars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley and Aziraphale realize they no longer have magical powers, but they aren't too bothered. They visit the planet Ahch-To. There is no plot here, by the way, if you happen to be waiting for one; this is pure self-indulgent fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why must fanfiction be "good"? Is it not enough to simply fantasize about going outside?

_** Andromeda Galaxy, 6098 C.E. ** _

Aziraphale was in the kitchen, filling a tea kettle with water. Crowley entered, looking agitated.

“Angel? You’re still able to perform miracles, right?”

“Of course,” Aziraphale said, placing the kettle on the stove.

“Right, right. Can you like, check though?”

Aziraphale gave him a skeptical look, but went along anyway. Instead of turning on the stove, he placed a hand on top of the kettle and stared at it with great focus. After several seconds, he removed the lid, inspecting the still-room-temperature water. “...That’s odd,” he said. He snapped his fingers over the kettle. He tried waving his hands about like a stage magician. Nothing happened. He looked at Crowley nervously. He turned back to the kettle and clasped his hands together in prayer. “Are you there, God? It’s me, Aziraphale.” A moment’s silence. “Hello?” He continued. “Anyone up there?” He looked at Crowley again. “She’s not responding!”

“Does She usually?”

“Well no, but I could always feel her silently judging me.”

“Can you recall the last time you used a miracle? I don’t think I have since we left the Solar System.”

“Me neither. And that was weeks ago!”

“I think I have a theory…” Crowley rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “So, suppose it’s like a cell phone tower-”

“A what, dear?”

“You remember. 21st century. If you travelled too far away from the nearest tower, you couldn’t get a signal. Maybe we’re too far away from Earth to draw power from our respective bases.”

“That  _ can't _ be right. God’s ever-present, for God’s sake.”

“I wonder if the Antichrist is affected, too? Or maybe she is her own power source?”

“Hey guys!” Ophelia burst into the room. “Oh, great, tea!” She picked up the kettle, poured herself a cup of steaming hot, perfectly brewed tea, and hopped onto a stool.

Crowley and Aziraphale exchanged a look.

“Say, Antichrist, where exactly do you get your powers from?” Crowley asked.

Ophelia paused with the teacup halfway to her lips. She placed it back on the counter and looked at Crowley. “I’ve never thought about it, actually. Same way as you two, I guess, since we’re all beings of Hell.”

“What?” said Aziraphale.

“You know, cuz I’m the spawn of Satan, and you’re both demons, or ex-angels, or whatever? Like, we all belong to Hell.”

“Why are you including me?”

“Wait. You’re not a demon?”

Aziraphale smiled, shaking his head. “No, but I’m flattered.”

“What are you then?”

“A retired angel.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The difference is Heaven never actually gave me the pink slip. I think I’m technically on extended leave.” 

Ophelia turned to Crowley suspiciously. _“You’re_ still a demon, though, right?”

“What kind of stupid question-”

“He’s been laid off by Heaven  _ and _ Hell,” Aziraphale smirked. “Totally unemployable.”

“Hey, I wasn’t fired, I  _ quit! _ Well, technically you quit for me with Hell - Anyway, it’s not like they wouldn’t take me back at any time…”

“If you say so, dear.”

Ophelia shook her head, quite confused by the specifics of celestial employment. She finished her tea and hopped off the stool. “If y’all don’t mind, I’m gonna take us to this new planet I just finished reading about. We’ll get there in a few hours, unless we use the hyperdrive...?”

“No hyperdrive!” Crowley replied quickly. “You know I can’t stand that thing.”

“Ugh, fine,” Ophelia rolled her eyes and left the kitchen.

Crowley shook his head. “Honestly. You can’t just go around stealing people’s spaceships, doing whatever you like. It’s rude.”

“A little hypocritical there, aren’t you, dear?”

“I - you tell me where I could have just _bought_ a spaceship in 2250. What was I supposed to do, order one on Amazon?”

Aziraphale shuddered. “ _ Please _ don’t mention them again.” The International War of the 24th Century (sponsored by Amazon.gov ©) was a time they would both rather forget.

“Anyway, I don’t think we need to worry too much about not being able to use miracles. We don’t really need them that often.” 

“I’m just glad laced shoes have gone out of fashion….”

“You never learned how to tie shoelaces without magic?”

“You did?”

“I don’t wear shoes.”

“You see how that’s worse, right?”

***

“Welcome to Ahch-To!” Ophelia exclaimed as they descended the ship’s ramp.

“What did you want to visit an abandoned planet for, again?” Crowley asked.

“Don’t complain, dear. At least there’s no one here to try to kill us,” Aziraphale said, looking around at the green and rocky landscape.

“Well, there’s no  _ people _ here, but there are these little bird people… are bird-people people?” Ophelia paused in her tracks and thought for a moment before continuing. “Okay, so there’s no  _ humans _ here anymore, but there used to be an ancient Jedi village, and there’re these little bird-people that are the Caretakers of the island. There should be a Jedi temple somewhere, too… but the best part of this planet, the reason we’re stopping, is so I can get me one of those little penguin things!” 

Ophelia pointed at a group of small, round puffin-like aliens. They started to cluck as she advanced toward them. Some tried to hop away, but they didn’t seem scared. One stood still, looking up at her with its bulging eyes. She gently picked it up and walked back to Aziraphale and Crowely, holding the Porg in front of her with both hands. 

“They’re very tame,” Aziraphale remarked, reaching out to pet its tiny forehead. “There must not be any predators here.”

“Unless  _ they’re _ the apex predator,” Ophelia grinned. The Porg yawned, revealing a mouthful of tiny sharp teeth. Aziraphale drew his hand back cautiously. 

“They’re cute little things,” said Crowley.

“I know!” Ophelia shifted to cradle it like a baby. “What should I name him?”

“Wait, you wanna keep it? Are you sure?” Crowley looked around. “It might have a family or something.”

“Crowley’s right, dear, and besides, it might be too sentient to keep as a pet.”

“Yeah, what if it learns to talk?”

“I didn’t think of that…” She hastily put it down. “Well, we should still check out the old temple ruins while we’re here. The island’s not that big; I bet we’ll be able to find it by suns-down.” 

  
  


They spent the next few hours exploring the island. Ophelia was thoroughly impressed. “How is the air here so clean? I can’t hear any filter engines?” She looked at Aziraphale and Crowely. “Don’t tell me - no way! -  _ This _ is what Earth used to be like?”

Aziraphale told her the planet could have been an idyllic picture of Earth’s oceans ‘back in the day’, even if it couldn’t come close to Earth’s level of biodiversity. The sky was blue, as were the mild oceans that enveloped the entire planet. Small, rocky islands could be found in several clusters around the globe. The craggy island was covered with short green grasses and mossy rocks. Other than the Porgs, they didn’t encounter any other life forms until they found the ruins of the Jedi village. 

All that remained of the village were the stone structures: small, dome-shaped huts and staircases running up and down the hills of the island. The temple itself was high up on a hill, and stood out especially due to the presence of a group of small bird-like people. Dressed in white habits, they chatted in an alien language as they bustled about the temple, polishing its stone walls and raking the surrounding grasses. 

“Those are the Caretakers; they’ve worked to maintain the village for thousands of years,” she explained, having memorized a fair amount of trivia from the  _ Fan Guide _ . 

“I hope they have a union,” said Crowley.

“I’m gonna go explore the caves under the temple. I’ll meet you guys back at the ship by suns-down!” Ophelia began to climb up the stone steps.

“Have fun!” Aziraphale waved.

“See you!” Crowley turned to Aziraphale. “Well, what do you think?”

“The landscape is beautiful!”

“Reminds you of Scotland, doesn’t it?”

“Yes, absolutely!” 

They looked out over the rocky cliffs and felt the wind at their faces. A porg jumped off one of the nearby cliffs and dived into the dark ocean below, reemerging within seconds to fly back to its nest, now holding a fish in its jaws. 

“That looks fun,” said Crowley.

“Catching fish?”

“No, the diving. Have you ever flown from cliffs before?”

“I haven’t flown anywhere since the 17th century. Someone saw me and submitted a most unflattering woodcut to the local paper.”

“I get that. I don’t think I ever risked flying after they invented cameras. So nosy, those humans.”

“Well, I’m sure we’ll get the hang of it again,” said Aziraphale, manifesting his wings and running to the cliff’s edge. “Race you!”

“Hey, wait!” cried Crowley, following suit.

Aziraphale dove straight down, spreading his wings in time to stop before he hit the water and carry him back up. Crowley drifted down from the cliff at a shallow angle, then slowly looped back around. 

“Where are we racing to?” He called to Aziraphale, but his voice was lost to the wind. He ended up just following behind Aziraphale, who flew higher in altitude until they caught a wind current and were swiftly borne back in the direction of the ship. They dropped closer to the ground, where the wind wasn’t so strong. The porgs on the island looked up at them in awe, having never seen wingspans wider than a couple feet.

They glided over the green fields, chasing each other in loops around the rocky cliffs, enjoying the feeling of fresh air in their lungs and the sun on their feathers.

Eventually they were back within sight of the ship. A flock of Porgs had settled on top of the roof, but they hastily dove out of the way as the couple approached. Aziraphale landed first, but underestimated his speed, and ended up tripping onto his face. He got to his feet and turned around in time for Crowley to fly right into him, knocking them both over. They laughed as they disentangled from each other. They sat up next to each other, facing the horizon where the suns were perhaps an hour from setting. Crowley wrapped his arm over Aziraphale's shoulders, and Aziraphale wrapped a wing around Crowley.

“Thanks for bringing us out here, darling.”

“This planet was the Antichrist’s idea?”

“No, I mean, out here as in, off of Earth.”

“Oh, of course. You don’t miss it?”

“I do, but I’m glad we've gotten to see all these other planets. I didn’t realize the universe had so much life in it.”

“Hmm…” Crowley was pretty sure the universe  _ hadn’t _ had so much life until the Antichrist had decided it did, but he knew Aziraphale did not believe this theory. 

“And you?”

“As long as I still get to be with you, I’m happy.” 

“Oh, Crowley…” Aziraphale leaned in to kiss him.

_ “Coo-coo!” _

They turned around to see a single Porg had returned to the roof, and was staring at them, forlorn.

“What’s your problem, mate?”

It squawked softly.

“Maybe he’s hungry,” Aziraphale suggested. “Do you suppose they’d like bread?”

  
  


The bird-nuns chirped at Ophelia as she entered the temple, presumably welcoming her in their bird-person language. She imagined it had been a long time since they last had human visitors. Well, human-adjacent. 

She descended the steps to the cave system. Taking care to avoid the ominous whispering dark void in the center of the floor, she went to admire the shiny mirror-like walls. Ophelia doubted that they were a natural cave formation, and reached out to feel the texture. She looked at her reflection, multiplied infinitely in front of her. She adjusted her hair and turned to one of the tunnels leading deeper down into the cave system. The further she walked, the darker it became and the more she wished she had brought a flashlight. Or maybe a lightsaber would be cooler….

Suddenly Ophelia tripped over something on the ground. She picked it up.

“Fuck yeah! Obviously they just leave them all over the place, here,” she said to herself as she pressed a button and the tunnel was bathed in bright blue light. 

Holding her lightsaber in front of her like a torch, Ophelia continued to explore the cave with ease. She passed some pretty formations of crystals and a number of those ceiling-and-floor-spike-things. Eventually the downward slope of the tunnel levelled off, and Ophelia found herself outside on a rocky platform overlooking the ocean. She deactivated the lightsaber and closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath of fresh air. Waves crashed against the shore below her, sending a light spray of cold saltwater up to her. The ocean breeze whipped her hair across her face a little painfully. She was reminded, with some pang of nostalgia, of family vacations to the west coast as a child.

The planet’s two golden suns were settled close together above the horizon, bathing the clear sky with orange and pink hues. Parallel reflections of each sun stretched across the ocean and up to the island’s rocky cliffs. 

“ _ Wow… _ ” 

Ophelia heard a chirping noise behind her. She finally turned away from the ocean to see a porg hobbling, without much help from its wings, along a footpath leading up the hill. She began to follow it. 

After following the porg for a while, she looked around and realized that dozens of porgs had gathered in a clearing a little ways from where the spaceship was parked. At the center of the congregation stood Aziraphale and Crowley, delightedly throwing breadcrumbs to the excited mass of porgs. They noticed Ophelia approaching and paused to wave. She waved back and called out as she reached the throng of not-birds.

“Check it out, guys! I found a LIGHTSABER!” She held her new-found weapon proudly above her head as it NYZOOM-ed to life, bathing the clearing in eerie blue light. 

The curious chatter of the porgs was replaced by terrified squawks as they fled the clearing as quickly as their cute little legs could carry them. 

“Very impressive!” said Aziraphale. “Where did you find it?” 

“In the caves under the Jedi Temple!” She swung it around experimentally. “I always wanted one of these!”

“Careful, you could take someone’s arm off with that!” said Crowley. “And you scared the birds…”

With the last of the suns’ rays quickly disappearing, they soon decided to return to the ship. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter about Star Wars. Next is Star Trek, and then Doctor Who, and I believe that will be the ending. I was going to have them visit some original planets, but then I decided to save those ideas for my next work: an even more self-indulgent, blatant wish fulfillment original story about a lesbian space explorer who travels the galaxy with her straight best friend and picks up more alien gfs than she knows what to do with. Yes, I am going insane in quarantine. I hope to God you are all doing better than me. Take care and as always thanks for reading!


	5. To Go Where Men Have Gone Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sort of a bonus chapter; they don't make any stops here. Ophelia tires of exploring the Star Wars galaxy, and finding inspiration from Crowley's DVD collection, plots a new course of exploration.

**_Andromeda Galaxy, 62nd Century C.E._ **

Faithfully following the maps from the  _ Star Wars _ guide book, Ophelia made rapid progress in her exploration of the galaxy. She even started keeping a journal of interesting discoveries, although she often forgot she had it. At one point, she went to make an entry for the first time in a while and realized she hadn’t a clue how to date it. Her last entry wasn’t much help: “Log date:  _ Year 5? 6? Maybe 7? Not more than 10. Probably. _ ” Thinking back she realized she wasn’t even sure how many planets she’d visited since…definitely hundreds…ah well, it wasn’t important. She started her journal entry:

_ Log date: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ _

_ Location: planet name unknown, absent from star map. Coordinates 12 17 27 46 50. _

_ Description: abiotic, no atmosphere. Roughly Mercury-sized. Unremarkable except that it wasn’t shown on any of the maps! Encountered accidentally en route from Crait to D’Qar. Noteworthy only because this means star maps are incomplete! I had not seriously considered this possibility before. Might need to reconsider goal again.  ~~Azeerafal Azirefel~~ Azirephale may have had a point about “a comprehensive survey of the infinite” being “impossible”...  _

Ophelia set the journal down on her bed, leaving it open so the ink could dry. She hopped off the bed and stretched. Looking around her room, it occurred to her not for the first time that she really needed to come up with a better system of organization, but old habits die hard. Carefully stepping around precarious piles of assorted souvenirs and mementos she’d accumulated over the years, she started to rummage around for a map. Surely she must have picked a new one up somewhere, maybe one that was more accurate? It was a long shot, but she had time to look.

After a thorough search involving several distractions including reorganizing her space rock collection and pausing to reread A Wrinkle in Time, she gave up on her room and decided her best bet was the storage room below deck. Aziraphale didn’t appreciate when she poked around his prized book collection (“some of those books are worth more than your kidneys, and much harder to replace!”), so maybe she would ask him to find some astronomy books for her?

She entered the hallway and entered the living room, where Crowley and Aziraphale were seated on the loveseat, watching a television program. 

“Hey Azir-”

“Shh!” Crowley put a finger to his lips, and Ophelia noticed that Aziraphale was fast asleep, leaning heavily on Crowley’s shoulder. “I can  _ never _ get him to sleep - let’s not wake him up early, yeah?” Crowley smiled at her.

“Oh, sorry!” she whispered. “I was just going to ask . . . well, actually, I’ll just do it myself.” She headed back to the hallway. “Seeya later!”

“Seeya!”

  
  


It was like looking for a needle in a haystack, but with the extra challenge of zero gravity. After Ophelia had diligently searched through nearly the entire collection, she’d found a large volume that looked promising titled  _ “Astrological Charts”. _ Strangely, the book did not contain any information on navigating its outdated star maps, although she did learn she was a Virgo.

Frustrated, Ophelia closed the book and threw it. The reaction force sent her colliding back into a large cardboard box, taped shut. Curious, Ophelia tore the tape off to investigate the contents. To her surprise, it wasn’t books at all, but DVD cases. Crowley had shown her how DVDs work a few months ago; they stored old films! Crowley kept a small collection of his favorites in the main ship, but she hadn’t realized he owned even more! This was amazing! There must have been hundreds of old films here! Maybe even some that weren’t in the public archives back home? 

Ophelia ran her fingers over the delicate plastic covers. Her eye caught the word “Star” on one of them and she grabbed it. “ _ Star Trek: The Complete Collection: All Three Seasons.”  _ Ophelia was fairly certain this was a work of fiction, but it was the only thing she’d found so far that alluded to actual space travel. She shoved the case into the pocket of her large skirt, closed the box, and shoved it towards the exit, barreling through several dozen floating books.

Eventually she managed to get both herself and the box out of the storage compartment and into the main hall of the ship. She pushed it along the floor in front of her, towards the living room. 

Ophelia walked into the living room. Aziraphale was now lying mostly on top of Crowley, fast asleep. Crowley was awake, and looked up from staring at his watch when Ophelia entered.

“Hey-” Ophelia began.

“Ssssssssh!” Crowley hissed and put a finger to his lips. 

Ophelia gave him a confused look. “ _ What _ ?” she mouthed silently.

Crowley pointed to Aziraphale’s head resting on his chest. Ophelia shrugged. Crowley rolled his eyes and gestured for her to come closer. Ophelia walked over quietly, even though she didn’t see the point in not waking Aziraphale since he didn’t really need sleep, and it had definitely been a few hours.

When she stopped near the couch Crowley whispered, “He’s about to beat his record for longest nap!”

Ophelia tried not to laugh. “You’ve kept track?” She whispered back.

Crowley grinned. “You know he doesn’t like taking proper naps like me. Hates wasting time.”

Ophelia looked at Crowley’s watch. The display was very complex. “How long to go?”

Crowley glanced at his watch. “About ten minutes. He’s a really light sleeper, so try not to make any loud noise.”   
  


Ophelia smiled conspiratorially and put a finger to her lips to signal her agreement. 

In the meantime she went to the window to check their surroundings, and found that the curtains were drawn. Why a spaceship had curtains was beyond her, although she knew most of the decor was Aziraphale’s work. She slowly pushed the vintage fabric to the side, trying to make as little noise as possible. 

The view was more or less the same as it had been for the majority of the trip. A scattering of stars, or at least, innumerable sources of light, all too far away to see anything interesting about them, suspended in the abyss. At sublight speeds like this, one couldn’t even be sure the ship was moving. 

Ophelia took a deep breath and got a lungful of dust. She must have kicked it into the air when she moved the curtains. How long had she been down there in storage…? 

She turned away from the window and sneezed violently. 

Aziraphale stirred, then suddenly shot up straight, eyes wide. “DO NOT BE AFRAID!” He blinked. "Oh. Hello, Ophelia."

“Aw, you lout!” Crowley snapped at Ophelia. “Morning, Angel.” He pressed a kiss to Aziraphale’s cheek.

“Morning, dear. Is everything alright?”

Ophelia laughed. “You almost broke a record!”

Aziraphale looked confused. He turned back to Crowley, who was staring at his watch again.

“Seven minutes and thirty-four seconds short.” He sighed, then looked up and met Aziraphale’s eyes, then blushed.

“You keep track of how long I sleep?” Aziraphale raised an eyebrow.

“Well, you don’t take proper naps very often, and you know, when you do, I get bored without you around.”

“I’ve told you to just wake me up, I don’t mind.”

“I don’t think you get nearly enough sleep as it is,” said Crowley. “You haven’t even come close to your record in four millenia.”

Aziraphale made a thoughtful expression. “Fine,” he eventually huffed, “what  _ is _ my record?”

“About 34 days. I don’t actually have it down to the second, but I figured once you got to 35 I’d call it-”

“Holy falarkers, it’s been a month? God, I completely lost track of time downstai-” she stopped, and looked at Aziraphale guiltily.

Aziraphale looked at her. “You were where, dear child?” He said kindly.

Ophelia smiled nervously. “Oh, you know, around!”

“Not in my library, surely?”

Ophelia held up an index finger. “ _ First _ of all, that room is technically  _ general storage _ , it’s not only your books there. Second…” she shrugged. “Okay, yes, sorry, I know I promised not to, but please don’t be mad I didn’t damage anything-”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, dear girl, I’m not angry at all. I’m just… disappointed…” 

Ophelia felt a terrible pang of guilt.

Crowley patted Aziraphale’s shoulder consolingly. “What were you looking for, anyway?” He asked Ophelia. 

“Oh! I actually found something! Hang on!” Ophelia retrieved the box from the hall.

Crowley gasped. “I forgot I brought those!” He jumped off the couch and promptly fell down. “Ack - sorry - legs fell asleep-” Ophelia helpfully pushed the box over to where Crowley was inelegantly scrambling to a seated position. He opened the box -sportingly choosing not to comment on the fact that Ophelia had already ripped up the tape that held it shut- and began to excitedly pull cases out of the box.

“Alright, okay… are they really all here?  _ From Russia with Love, Casino Royale, You Only Live Twice…”  _ Crowley counted out a few dozen movies.

“Hey man what the fuck,” Ophelia asked, holding up a case titled _“_ _ Octopussy ”. _

“Aha!” Crowley smiled, taking it from her and adding it to the stack. He proudly placed his hand on top. “The  _ only _ complete collection of double-oh-seven films left in the universe!”

“Oh wow! What is that?”

“You’ve never heard of James Bond? All those old films you have seen, and not _Bond?_ It was only the best action movie franchise of all time!” Crowley scoffed and shook his head. “Kids these days…” 

Aziraphale had joined them in sitting around the box and was flipping through a collection of  _ Great British Bake Off  _ seasons. “Only the first forty series...ah well…”

“You didn’t happen to see my vinyl collection, did you?”

“No, I was really just looking for astronomical charts. Didn’t find any good ones, though,” she remembered the case in her pocket and took it out. “By the way, do you guys know if this is a documentary?”

Crowley and Aziraphale both laughed.

Eventually they agreed that while  _ Star Trek  _ was definitely a work of fiction, it was ‘very good’ and ‘better than Star Wars’, and Ophelia absolutely had to watch it. Well, the stars weren’t going anywhere, so she figured she had the time. 

After about her 10th consecutive rewatch, Ophelia made a decision: she wanted to return to the Milky Way, and see all this herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one tell Ophelia about the reboots or she will NEVER stop exploring! Also to clarify, "falarkers" is a swear word from the future, but Ophelia has picked up some outdated terms like "fuck" from her new godparents :)
> 
> In the next update, a new character will be introduced. A character whose younger self is a pretty big part of Good Omens…

**Author's Note:**

> As a work-in-progress I would love to hear your thoughts on this fic! It’s a pretty ridiculous premise and I want to know if I’m making it work. Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> (Most of the characters and places portrayed in this story are not my own, Ophelia being the main exception. Work is primarily derived from Good Omens (TV) with influence from the book. There will also be references to Star Wars, Star Trek, and Doctor Who but you won’t need to be familiar with those franchises to read this fic)


End file.
